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| Avery's
Campaign Journal “You will be killed, your friends will be killed, the terrorists that lurk EVERYWHERE will destroy your city with some kind of terrible weapon that we haven’t even comprehended – and I’m not talking about spitballs, kiddies. I’m talking about some kind of hyper techno biological, fire-breathing dragon bomb! The likes of which will kill every single red-blooded American. They will destroy our parks, our libraries, our toys, our chocolate bars, our pets – yes, even little kittens and puppies! And you can run, but you can’t hide – because no one is safe! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE IN A MOST HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL WAY!!!” It’s the "scare" issues that really seem to be this election’s hot ticket and the scintillating stump stuff that gets the headlines in the presidential race. Some of the terrorizing and tantalizing issues include: flu shots, Social Security and the draft. But cousin, that ain’t nothing until you’ve heard the lads get hopped up and talk on the subject of terrorism. President Shrub and Sen. Yawn claim they want to talk about jobs, taxes, health care — but they just can’t stop with the terrorists, terrorists, and more terrorists. According to these guys they’re everywhere. Sometimes the tone is saccharine and cloying: “Last night, I cried myself to sleep praying to Jesus to painfully kill all those evil terrorists who hate us and our way of life. But Jesus was a pacifist, and he can’t get the job done. Which means it’s up to me. Either that or every American will die.” Other times it’s kind of kooky: “Look! Behind you! Terrorists! Oh wait, they got away. But that won’t happen under my watch.” But one thing is consistent: The messages are always alarming... Bush says a Kerry presidency would put the nation at risk because he is a wanking vacillator. Kerry says Bush is a knob because he has botched the war on terrorism and hasn't done enough to make the country safe. The consensus among several academics who study the presidency and foreign policy: They’re both a couple of wanking knobs. The academics also say it's unfortunate that the 9/11 debate is playing out on such an emotional level. "Invisible threats and terrors are being used as a big club or scare tactic that leaves people feeling helpless and prone to wetting their pants in fear, which ultimately makes them very annoyed," says Professor Henry Bung, from his newly built weapons of mass destruction bomb shelter in the backyard of his suburban Baltimore home. Professor Bung says it would be more appropriate to discuss why 9/11 happened and how to prevent attacks, but that until they do that, he’s staying firmly entrenched in his bomb shelter and not coming out until Armageddon has come and gone. “You can get away with scary talk because not everyone is attuned to the policy details," the professor said while hoarding food and adding more padlocks to his bomb shelter, "It's a risky strategy, but I think both sides in this very close election are willing to engage in risky strategy. And the fact is that both those guy’s fear tactics are effective – Hey, they’ve scared the shit out of me. Now get the hell off of my property and step away from my bomb shelter – or I’ll have to kill you!” Oct 20 / 2004 |
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