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Campaign Journal Andrea Mackris, an associate producer on "The O'Reilly Factor," has filed a sexual harassment law suit, charging that her boss, “Big Mouth O’Reilly,” has an obsessive interest in vibrators, phone sex and, most persistently, erotic scenarios involving pairs of women. Hey, if I’d known the loud-mouthed, right-wing boor was this much fun, I’d have agreed to appear on his obnoxious TV show ages ago. But the moment I found out, I put in a call to those partisan patsies and pundits at Fox Network and said: “Book me on your circus. Pronto, baby!” Here’s an excerpt of my time with Mr. O’Reilly: Big Mouth O’Reilly: You say you’re a non-partisan ant, but you want Nader to drop out of the race. Avery Ant: Yeah, that’s right. Big Mouth O’Reilly: Doesn’t that strike you as hypocritical? Avery Ant: Oh my God! You’re right! Wow, you’re a very smart man. All my friends said you were just a gasbag and an idiot; but boy, were they wrong. You sir, have you shown me the error of my ways. Okay, we’re done here. I now see the light. What do ya say you and I go out and rustle up some babes? Are there any in this city that you haven’t sexually harassed? Big Mouth O’Reilly: Shut up! Avery Ant: Good point. It’s thought provoking and insightful. You’re a very wise man. Big Mouth O’Reilly: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Avery Ant: Okay, now you’re getting a bit repetitive... Hey, I saw you on "Live With Regis and Kelly" plugging your new moralistic children's advice book. I agree with your astute point that "Healthy sex is a combination of sensible behavior and sincere affection." Especially if by healthy you mean a ménage et trois and plenty of vibrators. That sounds plenty healthy to moi. My next bit of reading material will be online at thesmokinggun.com to check out the lewd accusations attributed to you in Ms. Mackris's 22-page complaint. That sounds like healthy family fun! Big Mouth O’Reilly: You’re a disgusting, Godless pinhead! Avery Ant: Oooh, touchy. Hey, speaking of God, can you tell me about your visit to the Vatican? Big Mouth O’Reilly: It was a profoundly spiritual experience. Avery Ant: I bet. Tell me more about shagging the “hot” Italian women during your visit... You left your pregnant wife at home, didn’t you? Big Mouth O’Reilly: You make me puke. Avery Ant: Wow. The verbal parry and thrusts never stop with you. I guess Fox must be a bit upset, huh? You know, that it’s most bankable blow-hard pulls these Clintonesque sexual peccadillo type stunts, and the poor network can’t say squat about it. I mean, here they are, handed the kind of juicy, drool inducing story that Fox just lives for, and it can’t (or, more precisely, won’t) turn it into a media witch-hunt. (Big Mouth O’Reilly stands up and grabs his chair, which he begins to smack over Avery Ant’s head and shoulders) Avery Ant: So stop hitting me with your chair and let’s go trolling for babes. Big Mouth O’Reilly: I can’t. You were right. I’ve sexually harassed every woman in this city. Avery Ant: Wow. And this is a big city... (Big Mouth has stopped hitting Avery) Big Mouth O’Reilly: I know... I’m hoping once Fox gets into Canada that might open up some new avenues... Hee, hee. Avery Ant: It’s a big country. Big Mouth O’Reilly: Ha... Country... And once I start annoying chicks there, the beauty is that if any of them file sexual harassment complaints, I can run and hide. Avery: Yeah, hey thanks for having me on your show. Big Mouth O’Reilly: No problem, don’t forget your gift basket. It’s really great. Avery: Oh yeah, like what? Fruit and soap? Big Mouth O’Reilly: No! That’s faggy. In ours you get a dildo, egg whites to load into it, skin mags, tickets to strip clubs, a voucher for an hour of phone sex with me, and a can of beer nuts. Avery Ant: Thanks. Big Mouth O’Reilly: No sweat. I actually put the gift bags together myself.Oct 21 / 2004 |
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