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Campaign Journal Dirty Dog and all round sex-machine, Billy Clinton has always had a flair for political drama. And now that he’s fresh out of the hospital and his penis extension operation was a roaring success, the ex-president says he’s looking forward to getting on road and campaigning for Yawn Kerry, and, of course, to trying out his newly improved schlong. Democratic strategist Tootsie Weasel says she started getting phone calls and e-mail as soon as word got out about Clinton’s planned appearance Monday with Kerry in Philadelphia, with messages like: “He’s back! I can already feel myself getting pregnant!” She predicts “a great, electrifying sex-a-thon! Oh, and some politics as well.” That’s just nutty dreaming, Republicans say, suggesting that Kerry will suffer from the comparison when he stands alongside the newly engorged and charismatic Clinton, and that memories of Monica Lewinsky may titillate voters to distraction. “He can remind people of everything that John Kerry is not: loquacious, empathetic, a rascal, a dirty dog, a sex addict, a deft pork sword’s man, and a good sax player,” says Republican pollster Wilber Gout. Clinton, who hopes to make a number of appearances on Kerry’s behalf if the addition on his member don’t prove to be too heavy, is still a controversial figure to many Americans but his appeal is strong among the babes. “Bill O’Reilly may be more of a fetishist, which I dig, but give me a romp with Clinton any day,” said one young lady. In a tight election where little things can be hugely important, Kerry’s team hopes Clinton will help boost turnout, especially among those who prefer their candidate to be living as opposed to the living dead. Pug Gristle, who served as Clinton’s presidential pollster, said anger at the impeached former president over the Lewinsky affair has dissipated over the years, “we’re more European now,” he said. The key question for both sides is how much of Clinton’s appeal can, um, err, “rub off” on another politician. (Yuck!) Democrats get almost misty-eyed about the magic that Clinton is supposed to have worked for John Street, who was in a hard-fought Philadelphia mayoral race in 1999 when Clinton came in to campaign for him at the 11th hour at LaSalle University and bagged every female student on campus. “I was at LaSalle and I’ve never seen anything like it. The guy’s a machine,” a Pennsylvania porn star recalled this week on MSNBC’s “Hardball.” Republicans, by way of counterpoint, have once again called up the fire-breathing creature that is the thing that is Zell Miller in the hopes he can step on buildings and make Godzilla like noises to distract those lost in Clinton’s dreamy eyes.Oct 22 / 2004 |
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