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| Avery's
Campaign Journal Those (forgive the term) “antsy” Republicans really do get (again, sorry) “bugged” out by just about anything my big, fat, filmmaker of a drinking pal, Michael Moore does. And the sherry-swilling, socialist auteur sucks up the spotlight faster than he can down a magnum of champagne and 16-ounce steak. So, get this, now the Republicats are calling for the film-maker to be prosecuted for offering prizes of noodles and underwear to encourage voting. Of course, it’s just like “MM Baby” (as he now insists on being called) to offer such cheapie freebees. He won’t be doling out free cars ala Oprah, instead it’s freeze-dried noodles and flimsy underwear that was made in China... What a guy! Still, those right-wingers have decided to get bent out of shape and essentially pull down their pants so we can all laugh at them over this one. The pathetic buffoons from the Michigan Republican Party have accused “MM Baby” of bribery on his speaking tour to encourage students to vote. Over a meal of caramelized veal, stuffed giraffe’s necks, calves brains and braised elephant ribs, Michael chowed down, guzzled straight from the sherry bottle and laughed about it all. “Yeah,” he said while wiping the gravy from his lips, “Those Bush Babies are terrified of me. I am so amazing. Christ, I’m just about as powerful and menacing as Dick Cheney... Oh, uh, only in a good way... Bwe ha ha ha! Say, did you bring your Visa Card? I forgot my wallet... again!” Although Moore attacked President George Bush in his documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, his speeches do not tell people what party to vote for. “But they know,” he winked while ordering another bottle of sherry, “and they’ll do what I tell ‘em. And if they don’t, I’ll show up at their parent’s house with a camera and crew and really f*&$k them over!” After telling me he was “just funning” and then winking lasciviously, Michael slapped the waitress’s ass, told me he could buy and sell her, and then projectile vomited all over the table. He really can be very trying... The Republicans, who don’t seem to care that this latest hissy fit on their behalf is so laughable, firmly believe he is breaking Michigan election rules. “We want everyone to participate in this year's election, but not because they were bribed or coerced by the likes of Michael Moore," said Greg McNeilly, executive director of the state's Republican Party. “Because, well, they’ll likely vote Democrat, and, you know, I’m rooting for the Republicans. And winning is more fun than losing.” During Moore's 60-city tour of college campuses and arenas he has been mooching free meals, clothes, rides to the airport and spare change, as well as getting habitual non-voters on stage to pledge they will vote in the next election. In exchange for promising to vote they receive gifts such as his “sacred healing powers” and potato chips, along with the opportunity to meet him backstage later and “bask in his glory.” The Michigan Republican Party has asked bemused prosecutors to investigate, accusing Moore of violating not only his god-like powers, but also a law that prohibits a person from contracting with another for something of value in exchange for agreeing to vote. Moore, who was born in Davison MI, now lives on top of his high-horse and has a lovely view from up there looking down upon the rest of us mere mortals.
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