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Campaign Journal Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards poked fun at Vice President Dick Cheney's claim that economic indicators fail to measure the financial gains of Americans selling items on eBay. "He said people are selling a lot of stuff on eBay. When we count the bake sales, lemonade stands, and celebrity pubic hairs, we'll have a roaring economy," Edwards told a guffawing, cheering, and laughing union hall rally. Sensing that he was really wowing the crowd, Edwards used his appearance in the swing state to criticize the Republicans, praise Kerry and try out some material from a new stand up routine based on Cheney that he has been working on and which he hopes to have ready for the debate. “Last week in Cincinnati, Cheney, the enfeebled puppet master, told voters that indicators miss the hundreds of thousands who make money selling their crap items on eBay,” the hopeful Veep drawled, “Geeze, is that hoary old coot an out-of-touch pinhead or what? Did you all know that since that incontinent and debilitated fossil Dick Cheney took office in January 2001, Ohio has suffered economically, with 229,600 jobs lost and an unemployment rate of 5.9 percent; that’s slightly above the national average. Hey, how does it feel to be above average, folks?” Sensing that the crowd wasn’t finding the humor in their mass unemployment, Edwards decided to deploy his famous Southern wit and charm and moved into his “A” material. To start things off, he yanked down his pants, mooned the crowd, and yelled, “Hey, look, I’m that asshole, Dick Cheney!” Responding to the GOP criticism that Kerry would be soft on terrorism, Edwards cracked, "John? Soft? Hey, he’s no ‘Limp Dick’ loser named Cheney with a bum heart and the brain of a geriatric goldfish. And, hoo-eee! Is doddering Dick pig ugly! Hey, how many Cheney’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? One! And the act of doing it will likely give him a heart attack and kill him; so hurry up and change the light bulb, you senile old fart!”Sept 16 / 2004 |
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