| Avery's
Campaign Journal
The
Campaign In the USA
Sept 24 / 2004
George called for another “practice round” for the great debate. Today’s subject: Which is better – Count Chocula or Frosted Flakes?
Bush is clearly a frosted flake man and gave a pretty convincing argument on the cereal’s merits. “First off,” he asserted, “Frosted Flakes are Grrrreat! And that Chocula guy is a suspected terrorist. Yes, Frosted Flakes are this country’s future.”
Yup, George seems ready. And the first presidential debate, to be held next Thursday night at the University of Miami, will be the key moment of the campaign. If George doesn’t implode, the race may be over. If he screws up and loses big time to Sen. Kerry — Stay tuned!
So what do these guys have to do and not to do? Here are my thoughts (such as they are) on this whole debate thing...
Notes for The Frenchman Formerly known as John Kerry:
- Don’t forget to smile and breathe. Remember, Presidential campaigns are mere personality contests. Turn off your brain and tell a dirty joke. Likeability is everything.
- Don’t ramble. Give ‘em short punchy sentences. Try wearing a bow tie.
- Attack, attack, attack! Most Democrats loathe the mere sight of George Bush, viewing him as an incompetent, reckless fantasist who would be a total joke if he weren't such a complete menace. So have fun with that theme. Riff on it. Come up with zippy one-liners that will piss George off. Resort to his level: Fire spitballs at him.
- Show off some dance steps: I think people would like a president who’s graceful on the dance floor. If Kerry’s got the moves, he should flaunt ‘em.
- For God’s sake, decide, once and for all, whether he would have gone to war in Iraq. You’ve more than peaked our interest: Now take a stance.
Notes for President Shrub aka George Bush:
- Be Humble. We all know you’re really an impatient, condescending, exasperated and smug frat boy – but make us forget that. Be someone else for a few hours. A human being might be an appropriate choice.
- Be careful about the Guard. CBC may have blown it, but we all suspect that you probably got a pass on doing your duty. If the subject comes up, look philosophical and then scream, “Look, Kerry’s playing with himself!”
- Pretend to honor Kerry's service record. The Swift Boat ads have done their damage and provided you with plenty of laughs. But don’t smirk about it in public. Wear earrings to distract viewers from your beady eyes.
- Don’t smile. We’ve seen you try to do it and frankly, it’s creepy looking.
- Avoid a "Pants Down" moment. You know, like when Gerry Ford declared in 1976 that Poland wasn't under Soviet domination, which, at the time, it certainly was. My advice is come dressed as a mime – it may be the only way to guarantee that you don’t say something incredibly stupid.
Sept 23 / 2004
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Sept 18 / 2004
Sept 17 / 2004
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